When Compliments Hurt

Sunday, 2am, my phone rings and it’s my ex. I picked up, knowing there was a 95% chance he was drunk and we’d have a long-winded, senseless conversation for much longer than I’d like – but it was 2am and I’d spent quite enough alone-time in bed with my demons. The conversation didn’t go quite exactly as I’d thought it would – it wasn’t a ‘bad’ conversation, minimal conflict actually, it was however difficult for me, just not for the reasons I would have thought.

In conversation, he told me something that I’m sure most women would die to hear. He’s told me this before, but there was something different in his tone this evening, there was something purely genuine when he spoke. There was dead silence for a moment – the kind you actually notice – he said my name slow and steady, and I knew I was in for something now – “ I am where I am today because of you – you changed me, made me into a better man.”

My heart stopped, my breathing came to a halt and everything inside me froze in gut-wrenching… pain? I didn’t know what to say and when I finally remembered to breathe again, it unleashed a silent river of tears. Now, I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know why I was crying, why everything hurt, why his word felt as if they were sitting inside my stomach, tearing me apart, slowly.

I tried to figure out why I was feeling this way? Why was I feeling pain and hurt by what he’d said? My first thought was, “well then why aren’t we still together.” But, the more he complimented me the more I realised that wasn’t it: that’s not the reason for this uncomfortable feeling in my tummy, so why?

He finished with, “you’re an amazing person, I just wish you could see it.”
My mind finally chimed in, “no you’re not. Maybe once… not anymore…”

Finally, I realised this was a familiar feeling, actually – it was the same gut-wrenching feeling I feel when my then therapist, Andrea said anything positive to me – be it commending my bravery for actually making it to therapy, or trying to remind me of “the beauty that’s inside me”, or when mummy reminds me of how happy I used to be, or how much she needs me – even in the most trivial, jovial way.

Compliments just don’t sit well with me anymore: I’ve never been someone who ever knew what to do with one, just throw an awkward say ‘thank you’ and hope that’s sufficient… now they leave me feeling winded and sick like someone’s just gone and punched me in the stomach, reminiscing about a ghost.

As the conversation continued, he continued to compliment me, and every time he did, I started to feel my insides twist. I’m just not that person anymore… I’m not really anyone anymore.

How do you tell someone: this person you’re speaking of – maybe she existed once, but she’s gone now, left with not much else but wondering who the hell she is now!?

He spoke of a genuine and kind person, but she no longer exists – what remains her shell, battered, bruised and scarred – lost of hope and utterly exhausted by the constant, unyielding war within herself.

 

Sex Selection and Gender Imbalance in India

In a nation which is known to be one of the first ever to grant women the right to vote, and where according to ancient scriptures, women are portrayed as living symbols of the mother goddess, the practice of sex selection with a preference to male babies, including female infanticide and female feticide is alarming.

Among Indian beliefs, people feel that bringing up a daughter is like “watering another man’s garden”. Women are seen as a liability to the family, as upon marriage a hefty dowry is required from the bride’s side. Although the practice of dowry has been made illegal by the Indian government in 1961, it continues nevertheless. It is believed that a son will be more economic to the family, as he will support for the family and carry on the family name. A woman’s status in her family is more often than not tied to the number of sons she will bear: “May you be the mother of a hundred sons” is a common blessing given to a woman.

The practice of female infanticide and female feticide still continues in India and amongst many Indian communities worldwide.  In 1996 the Indian government passed a legislation, banning prenatal sex determination through ultrasound, however due to the weak enforcement of this law, this has made very little change to the now disturbing trend of missing girls in India. “Statistics show that in the last two decades alone, there are between 22 and 37 million females missing from India’s population, and an estimate of 100,000 abortions of female foetuses occur each year”, says Dr. Meeta Singh.

In 2001 a Preimplanation Sex Selection procedure was developed by doctors at the Malpani Infertility Clinic in Mumbai, for the purposes of family balancing in India. “Developed from Preimplantation Genetics Diagonis (a process which enables the identification of genetic diseases in the embryo before pregnancy), the Preimplantation Sex Selection process combines the parents sperm and eggs in a petri-dish producing several embryos. Doctors take a single cell from each embryo and test it to see which chromosome it bears. Only embryos of the desired sex are implanted in the woman’s womb”, says Dr. Prakash Kakodkar. However, this procedure allows parents to choose the sex of their baby, and in a country where cultural attitudes lean towards the preference of boys over girls, this procedure has proved to skew the ratio of females to males further, rather than balance it.

In newspapers across India, Preimplantation Sex Selection has been advertised with slogans such as “Pay Rs5,000 today and save Rs5 lakhs tomorrow”. According to these advertisements, it is worth a family’s while to spend 5,000 rupees (or £70.96) for a sex selection procedure, ensuring the birth of a baby boy, to save the family a cost of 500,000 rupees (or £7,096) on a girl’s dowry; thus in line with Indian ideologies of wanting a baby boy over a baby girl, and furthering the gender imbalance in India.

In 2001 the ratio of females to males, was 933:1,000. Narrowing this down to the more prosperous state, Haryana, the ratio of females to males here was 861:1,000. By 2008, this had dropped drastically to a ratio of 300:1,000 (females : males).

The lack of a female population in India is making it very difficult for the men to find wives. This has now led to the buying, selling and reselling of women; the trafficking, abduction; sexual exploitation of women; marriage at much younger ages; and implementation of harsh measures to keep women under male control.

Baljeet Singh, a 37 year old truck driver, says he began to feel hopeless of finding a local wife once he turned 26. Men in his village consider it ideal to marry between 20 and 25. “I am a van driver, I don’t have many prospects and it seems that you have to have a very good job to get a bride these days”, he says. Mr. Singh used his lifesavings to marry a 16 year old Muslim girl from Assam, who according to village rumours, is an illegal immigrant from Bangladesh. It is becoming a trend for lonely bachelors to buy brides from impoverished parts of India with the help of “brokers”, who make a living of importing women into the country, or even kidnapping them, should they be unwilling to marry.

There are more skewed gender ratios in the more prosperous communities of India, as the wealthier families are able to afford prenatal scans and abortions, should there be finding of a female foetus (these which are performed in underground, mobile clinics due to prenatal scanning now being illegal in India). In fact, studies have shown that the richer the district, the higher the density of sonography centres and the poorer sex ratios. This means that it’s the more educated people who are guilty of female feticide, rather than the illiterate.

“It is morally wrong for the State to interfere in a purely personal decision of what gender a couple want their baby to be”, says Avtar Oberoi. “I believe the business that some scumbag doctors have made of sex selection is morally wrong, but I would still say that it is within the parents’ right to do what they want. If there is a way that a couple can choose the sex of their baby, and they can afford to do so, it is their right to make that decision. Who is the State to deem they cannot?”

In an attempt to protect the lives of girls, the Indian government has implemented some state-level governmental schemes, which have come up with mixed results. One of these schemes insists on families handing over any unwanted baby girls over to government officials, who then facilitate their adoption to childless couples. In another scheme, the government opens a bank account in the baby girl’s name at birth and deposits between 15,000 rupees and 22,000 rupees during her childhood (depending on the number of girls in the family). Evidence shows that this scheme has saved the lives of many female children, however these efforts are not enough.

Sociological research suggests that low sex ratios can trigger domestic and international violence. It is estimated that by 2020, there could be as many as 31 million surplus men aged 15 to 35 living in India, according to Vasu Mohan. The Chinese term for such men is “bare branches”, referring to the fact that they are not able to find spouses and bear legitimate children. “These bare branches provide fertile fields for recruiters for anarchist and terrorist organisations” says Mohan. “Governments will be compelled to find ways to reduce the numbers of these men and limit the violence they may cause. One easy solution will be sending these men to war –to give their lives in a patriotic cause”.

The Indian government appears helpless in the ethical war against sex selection, while the declining sex ratio raises many difficult questions about the welfare of India’s daughters, and the security of all its people in the long term. “While trying to change cultural attitudes is wonderful, we have to realise that these are not going to change in a hurry, and by the time they do, the damage will have been done”, says Nita Kulkarni.

22.9.2012

Wicca – Pagan Religions

Wicca [Pagan Witchcraft] originated with the human civilisation, and has existed in all parts of the world, predating even Christianity. It is a Neo-Pagan religion, based on a deep respect of nature and the certain knowledge that we do not have the right to exploit for our own gain. Today Witchcraft is commonly translated as “the Craft of the Wise”, thus meaning that in earlier times, the Witch was the “wise one” of his or her village, and served as the resident “Shamanic” healer.

However, from the Middle Ages, up until fairly recently, the word “Witch” was used very differently from today. Witches were thought to be evil –to use magic for their own personal gain, malice or entertainment. “This notion, that witch worship Satan, was put forward by the Roman Catholic Church as it made its way around Europe in an effort to suppress the native earth-based religions prevalent at the time. They succeeded to the extent that they drove the practitioners of these religions underground where much of their knowledge and traditions were lost,” says Kenneth Kerr.

“Wicca is not synonymous with Satan worship. The very concept of a supreme evil is alien to Wicca. In fact, most Wiccans don’t even believe in Satan. The devil is a Juedo-Christian construct and as such has nothing to do with Wicca.”

Margot Adler, an author, journalist and Wiccan priestess, describes Wicca as a religion centred around the love of nature and its elements (earth, air, fire, water, sun, moon and so on). The religion does not worship nature, but loves it, reveres it and it therefore nature orientated.

A fundamental principle of Wicca is “the Law of Threefold”, which suggests that whatever one does, or send out is returned threefold, be it good or bad; “as it harm none, do as thou wilt”.

British Civil Servant, Gerald Gardner, is known to have practiced witchcraft, and for reviving it in the 1950s, after the British Government repealed the anti-witchcraft laws. Since then, Wicca has become a popular religious movement and is gaining strength by day. According to Margot Adler, today the believers of Wicca run into millions and are found in almost all English speaking countries.

“In 2007, the Pentagram was added to US Department of Veterans Affairs list of emblems of belief that can be included on government-issued markers, headstones, and plaques honouring deceased veterans”, thus fully recognising Wiccan religion [practice] within United States.

Recently, people have started understanding witchcraft is not associated with evil, and practicing it as the religion intended, of God and Nature. A renewed interest in the religion is arising and witches who profess to practice and believe in witchcraft are “coming out of the closet”, so to speak, with a sense of pride and confidence.

Ordinarily one might not be able to tell if their neighbour is a witch, but some witches do wear a pentagram or pentacle (five pointed star) which is merely the symbol of the five elements of nature, earth, water, air, fire and spirit. This symbol is not something symbolising anything sinister or evil, as most have associated it with such.

“Modern day witches, as with in earlier times, usually worship in small groups called ‘covens’, or singly –known as a solo-witch. They celebrate eight solar festival holidays during the year known as ‘sabbats’. These are the solstices, the equinoxes and four more days. There are also 13 lunar festivals called ‘esbats’ observed of full moon nights. These twenty-one festivities are also called circles,” says Adler.

Wiccans tend to hold their rituals and ceremonies at night, and usually in an area surrounded by nature, like the woods or forest. Some people think this is because witches are evil, that is why they hold their ceremonies at night. The true reason for this however, dates back to the first witches. In the old world, especially within the Celtic tribes, the day followed an entirely different schedule than it does in modern times. The new day for them actually began at sunset. This is also why most observances of holidays were celebrated on the evening before the actual calendar day. The second reason is that survival had an entirely different meaning during those times. Almost without exception, everyone spent their daylight hours tending the crops, their herds, or engaged in their trade. All daylight hours were vitally important simply for survival reasons.

With the exception of the infamous Salem Witch Trials held throughout Europe and America, from the 14th to 17th century, the history of witchcraft is largely undocumented, and flooded with gruesome tales of magic and macabre, ghouls and ghosts, superstition and sex and the selling of souls to the devil, however according to historians the basic nature of the craft is and earth-based religion, which has played a vital part in human evolution –a religion which considers themselves “one with nature”.

So, You Want To Be A Model

You’ve caught the eye of a talent scout, telling you “you’ve got just the right look for us”, and before you know it, they’re jotting down your number, and a few days later you get a call saying you’ve got an interview!! Suddenly you’re blinded by flashing lights all around you, and thoughts of glamour and fame fill your mind.

Before you know it, you’re sitting in a fancy interview, hearing compliment after compliment. They’re telling you how beautiful you are, and promising you stars out of the night sky itself.

All your dreams have come true…. or have they?

“I was approached outside my university by a so-called talent scout,” says Jasmine Mistry, a student in London. “I was invited in for an interview, just off Great Portland Street (in Central London), to which I was required to bring a few changes of clothes. During the course of the interview, I was told I should make a port-folio. They could take my photographs right then and there!”

“I had my hair and makeup done by professional stylists, and what seemed like a professional studio photo-shoot. After it was all done, I had a viewing of my photographs, and then came the price list. Just over £1,000 to get the copyrights of my pictures; they assured me that this was the best option, and with their help, I’d make my money back in no time. Before I even had time to think it over, I was convinced, begging my mother to hand over her credit card. That was the last I’d heard from them.”

Mistry never received any news from them after that day. No jobs were ever sent out, or received and no income made. After days of not hearing back, she tried to get a hold of the agency again to find out why she hadn’t heard anything in days; she failed. It was only after extensive research, that she found out she’d been scammed out of £1,000, she’d never see again.

“I felt sick to my stomach when I finally realised I’d been scammed. I felt stupid, and naive, and most of all, I was dreading telling my parents who paid for that photo-shoot, despite being reluctant in the first place.”

Mistry isn’t the only one to have fallen for such a scam. There are many men and women who so easily fall into these traps set out by unscrupulous ‘agents’.  They tell you what you want to hear until without thinking, you’re handing over your hard earned money with no hope of ever seeing it again.

Being conned can have a real blow on one’s self esteem. “I felt terribly naive and stupid when it had all settled in my mind. I didn’t want to believe that I had been stupid enough to fall for such a con,” says Mistry.  “I am still interested in modelling, but my confidence has been knocked down. I have been reluctant to apply to any more agencies because I’m afraid they too will be a con.”

“I’ve recently started applying for modelling jobs again, but all the while I’m so doubtful. I got a few calls back for interviews, and immediately I began questioning why I of all people had gotten an interview. That if they were calling ME, of all people, then it has to be a scam. I am doing all the research I can on agencies that have contacted me recently, but honestly, the more research I do, the more confused I feel.”

Such an experience can leave people feeling vulnerable. One might find themselves posing questions such as “why did this happen to me?” or, like Mistry, questioning why you have gotten an interview in future, potential jobs.  There seems to be a fine line between scepticism and a simple loss of faith, either in oneself or the opportunities passed one’s way.  Being conned in 2009 seems to have pushed Mistry over that line.

“I question everything now. Problem is, the more I question the more questions bounce off the answer to the last. It’s all beginning to feel like a vicious cycle.”

Actor Clive Hurst is an active campaigner against scam agencies, after his daughter was involved in a modelling scam in 1992. His website Up-Front Campaign has been the first port of call to many aspiring models or actors, who have been scammed, including myself.

Look Out!

A common practise for scam artists/ rogue agencies is to tell you they want you to create a port-folio and supply you with a studio that can take your photos, at a fee. The agency and the photographic studio they are sending you to, are probably working together, and splitting the fees earned from you. Ask them to suggest a few other photographic studios and perhaps suggest a few of your own. Always do your research before you walk into an interview, and even after you’ve been interviewed. There’s no harm in being sceptical, that will just ensure your research is all the more thorough.

When a legitimate, reputable agency signs you, they do not ask you for any upfront fees. In fact, as of 1st October 2010, it is illegal for an agency interested in signing you, to charge you any fees either posed as a joining fee or to pay for your own test shots or publication fees. An agency will consider you an investment, and pay the necessary fees for you, and earn their money back via commission when you start working.

“A real modelling agency will not ask you to pay for anything –becoming a model does not cost you anything,” says Rachel McArthur, a freelance model. “If you are asked for even a penny, just get up and leave.”

An agency may however pay the necessary fees to get you started up and have a clause in your contract stating that you pay them back the full amount once you have started earning. This is perfectly viable and not uncommon.

Legitimate agencies will ask you to sign a contract. Some rogue agencies may ask you to sign a contract too. Be sure to take the contract home, and read it thoroughly. Make sure you have a clear understanding of everything in the contract!

Beware of agencies who will give you a time frame in which to decide. They might tell you things such as “we have a job for you, but you have to sign now”.

A legitimate agency will allow you to take the contract home, and make an informed decision, in your own time; whereas a rogue agency may make you feel pressured into signing the contract then and there, not allowing you to take the contract home and read it carefully. Never sign anything without reading it! It wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion either.

Ask the agency questions about their previous work. Who have they worked with? Have they done any work you would have seen? Ask to see their books (this is a book of all the models they represent). Look around their offices, and notice if there is any work on the walls; ask them about it –who was the photographer? What is the model’s name? Legitimate agencies will often have pictures of work they have done in the past, and clients they represent.

Be cautious when applying to adverts saying “no experience needed”. While all models do start out inexperienced, most agencies will not advertise for inexperienced models. Remember, there is a world of experienced models out there, so keep the question in mind, “if so many experienced models are finding it difficult to get work, what makes me so special?”

It is not uncommon for scam agencies to “borrow” the name of reputable agencies, changing the name or the spelling ever so slightly. Pay attention to the smallest details –it’s those that can get you caught. This is done to give starry-eyed talent a false sense of security when seeing a familiar name. Often, one won’t even realise the slight difference in names, unless you’re looking for it. Always check!

Be suspicious. Question everything you are told. Be aware.

How the Internet has Changed the News

Before the Internet, newsrooms mainly consisted of reporters and editors who relied on the conversations they had with people to get their stories. There was no such thing as cameras and recorders in the newsroom. The core of the story came from within the writer, based on questions they asked and their style of writing. Computers were simple, as were the programs on them.

Now expectations are changing for readers and viewers. Print publications have expanded their viewership to the web. A story that could be read in the paper can be found online with the exception of a short video which is often included in online stories.

The internet is killing news organisations such as newspapers and even television news shows which no longer provide the same value to customers.

The public wants the news in real-time and the internet is able to provide to viewers almost instantaneously.

The internet has slowly, but surely taken the role of “see it here first” journalism. Even 24 hour news stations (i.e. CNN, BBC) do not have the ability to show the news as it is happening anywhere in the worlds, whereas the internet does.

With the rise of the internet, and consumer demand for instant news, raises the question, “is journalism dead?” Some say the rise of the internet will be the end of journalism; but is it in fact simply the end of journalism as we know it?

Journalism has evolved through the ages, as with everything-else. It was unheard of for newspapers to be produced on a daily basis, before William Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer introduced it, instead newspapers were released over vast periods of time. Just like any change that journalism has seen in its life time, this is yet another evolution, in order for journalism to keep up with the times and meet both consumer demands and technological changes –the changes which allow anyone with a mobile phone or laptop to “create” news, so to speak.

First person accounts within moments of an event are becoming invaluable pieces of journalism. Photographs and videos, commonly taken by a mobile phone, of events as they occur are only possible if the community participates in journalism. Professional journalists must change their thinking to see the value in this kind of journalism, as it is fast growing. Journalists used to require big organisations behind them in order to produce news stories, photographs or videos, but low-cost technology has changed that.

The internet is not killing journalism, but is instead transforming it. It is simply killing an old model of providing news to people who want information. Journalism is transforming into something more interactive where the consumer can also be the producer. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but with the vast amounts of information on the internet, may leave to question where-in lies the truth of a story, and what might be false or exaggerated.

The use of social networking sites, such as Facebook or Twitter provide a glimpse of events happening around the world from the viewpoint of first-hand witnesses (such as in the case of the man who live-blogged the raid on Osama Bin Laden, without knowing). Social networking sites and news blogs, and even online news articles, allow the public to “leave a comment”, opening up journalism to a more interactive phase in its evolution.

This new phase of journalism has been growing and becoming more common over the years, and is now evolving faster than ever before. The process that happens before a story is published has also been transformed. As with the rest of the world, the web has become the “go-to point” for getting information for reporters, too. Online they are able to find a variety of perspectives and a library of available knowledge that provides the context for stories.

Universities and colleges are now integrating a multi-media section into journalism courses, in which students are taught the basics of using cameras and editing software that broadcast journalists would normally use. Students are also learning how to write for web publications and what images work better online than in print. Universities and colleges are equipping journalism students with the skills to use Adobe Photoshop, In-design and Flash in order to better equip them for journalism as we see it advancing today.

However, the fast growth on journalism on the web, does pose its threats for the more traditional media. Due to the fact that newspapers and television are unable to give to consumer needs instantly, the market for those sectors of journalism will lower tremendously with time.

Journalists are physically seeing their career paths die right before their eyes, with websites such as Newspaper Death Watch and a Google Maps project in 2008, which tracked job layoffs at newspapers, across the United States.

Yves Eudes says, “I need to know how to write or take a photo and I need to be be good at analysis. Learning how to use tools is different from saying everyone is a reporter. Anyone can make bread, but it’s lousy bread. You need to spend time like a true, professional baker to learn to make good bread.”

Professional journalists are people who have the ability to write well, edit, shoot photos or videos; they will always be needed, and major national and international organisations will most likely continue to exist and adapt to this technological age. The problem arises because many journalists see online news as a threat to “real journalism” and have little or no ability to create online news content on their own.

Though this change may be unsettling to journalists, they will need to adjust to this new era of journalism –readers’ expectations have grown, and so journalists will have to adapt too. The public expect to see more visually enticing articles on the internet, with photographs and videos.

According to Erin Walsh, the average internet reader is evaluated at an 8th grade level, and therefore shorter, more concise articles would capture an audience, as opposed to the more traditional long paragraphs, as seen in newspapers.

The internet is constantly becoming more advanced and journalists must continue to learn these new news aspects, in order to please their audience, as journalists have done in the past.

01.09.2012

 

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